Without Cause

I don't know why, but I feel like writing. Unfortunately, a predictable companion to this dis-knowledge is that I haven't a clear picture of what I might write about. By all means, feel free to cease reading immediately in expectation of a post with well-defined theses, but understand such a thing may never come into existence.

I would like to thank you, dear readers, real and imagined, for taking interest in my blog, and not simply for your empathic inklings. This gratitude extends from the joy I've experienced in publishing my thoughts in writing. I have long considered myself far more capable in written, rather than spoken, communication. This notion was occasionally observed in high school, thought the lack of stimulating topics and the suffocation of creativity brought about by mere mandate stifled whatever potential I had more often than not. But here, where I can write about whatever happens to catch my fancy without regard to proper essay structure or, for that matter, well-formed ideas, I think I've been able to gain some ability. I took the GRE test recently and, at least in part due to this blog, performed best in writing: 5.5/6 points, which equates to the 92nd percentile of all who take this test. Further, the test was taken in lieu of my favored Dvorak keyboard layout, which I estimate reduced my typing speed by at least 20 wpm. That's all the bragging I can stand to do for now.

The reason I was taking the GRE is that I'm now in the process of applying to various graduate schools. I haven't concluded on any programs, but in general am interested in a MS in Civil Engineering with emphasis in Water Resources. One of my professors persuaded me to look into UC Berkeley where the Civil Systems program looks more interesting than their others, perhaps even more interesting than WR elsewhere. But I've only begun looking at schools.

In light of the expectation that I'll start school again next year, I've stopped looking for career path exits to this hum-drum life. Actually, I stopped looking about a month ago, when Erik Anderson asked me to help out with MCC's high school group. So no more spending pointless hours on Craigslist and Monster seeking and applying for engineering jobs for which I think I am qualified. Instead, my days are seas of time spent enjoying the marvels of Hulu and the diverse wisdoms of writers of theology, philosophy, and physics punctuated by brief spells of graduate school applications. I also started lowering my standards for employment and applied to Target, Radio Shack, and Best Buy. I know, I disgust myself, too. On the plus-side, if the Geek Squad hires me, I can blog about the similarities between my life and Chuck Bartowsky's.

Some things I've been reading:

Godel, Escher, Bach: An Eternal Golden Braid - Douglas Hofstadter

-A really big book of ambitious scope, self described as "in the spirit of Lewis Carroll." Offers unique insights on the concepts of intelligence, philosophy, and mathematics. More enjoyable than it sounds, but I didn't finish the 777 pages before it was due back at the library.

The New Friars: The Emerging Movement Serving the World's Poor - Scott A. Bessenecker

-A friend's recommendation, as it pertains to my oft-hoped-for life's trajectory. Likens young missionaries to urban slums around the world to several monks and nuns in the early days of monasticism. Will make you want to move downtown and live in a homeless shelter. My warning is: consider your personal mission. Don't go where you want or where a book tells you, go where you're called.

Born Crucified: The Cross in th Life of the Believer - L. E. Maxwell

-Old-school paperback from my mom's shelf about realizing your old, sinful self has been crucified and is dead, and in this death your resurrected self is more alive in Christ than ever. I was worried one day I wasn't getting enough wisdom in my life, so I picked this at random.

A Brief History of Time - Stephen Hawking

-I finally realize I never understood relativity and string theory, and never will. But it's fun to think about anyway.

endpost

Job Market

No, I'm not gone. A lot of things aren't going according to plan. Get over it.

I feel betrayed.

America told me that I should use whatever smartness I might have and pursue a nifty and pricey education and that I would be rewarded hansomely for listening to it, aligning my goals with its own. And that's what I did, though I admit it took me long enough to realize what I was doing and put any heart into it. So now here I am with a nifty piece of paper printed with some nifty latin words and nifty gilded illuminations and some really nifty signatures and that's all. I thought we had a deal, 'merica. You said that if I spent four to five years of my life in mild poverty you would give me something useful to do.

I just read a news article that made me reconsider considering applying for lower-level jobs (i.e. working at Target or a supermarket). The writer explained that it would take the better part of a decade for my salary to catch up with what it would have been provided I found and took a job within my expertise. Whatever. I don't really care about that. He also brought to my attention that by working below my professional capacity, I am taking work that could be done by people who don't have the possibility of finding more exclusive employment. Basically, I'd be stealing from the poor.

I have mulled over the thought that by working anywhere, particularly in an engineering job and particularly during a recession, I would be taking work and money from someone else who needs it. I, as evident in my life without gainful employment, certainly do not need work. I could live off my parents for quite a while, though I can't imagine anyone would be thrilled with that arrangement. If you're interested in how I manage in my current situation, I think my senses of dignity have been dulled by the hope or dream that it is temporary--I thought very temporary until this week. The conclusion I reached is that I am moving toward necessity. I don't think I am meant to free-load interminably and haven't received any further calling or instruction.

The lack of divine appointment, actually, has hit me harder than either the job hunt or the time without work. I could stand to wait for a greater calling as long as there was some redemptive work to be done and I knew I was supposed to do it. But right now there is only silence and a house to paint. I wonder if I'm looking in the right places, but don't know where else to look. I do whatever ministries come along but have no certainty that it's what I should do. Because the last year was so amazing, I'm going to call this time comparative emptiness. It is not dissimilar to my life until about 2007, but it feels different. It feels like I've dissociated with the realities I came to know and love and now just do things. And wait.

I consider myself quite patient. Under certain circumstances I can wait years for something. But one thing I think I've lost is my ability to idle. I now am becoming restless in this place and I can't confirm that it is because I should be elsewhere or because my own personal ambitions are clouding my judgement. I want to move to Seattle for the rather silly reasons of liking the weather and thinking the Space Needle is a cool building. I want to get an engineering job for one year--I could probably be pursuaded into more--and return to school for a masters and maybe a PhD--a family can never have too many doctors, and with a surname like HansPetersen, does Jeff even really count? And the more I think about it, the more I realize that I have more and more wants, like my self didn't really die. It went into stasis or has regrown from its own remains. And despite all I hear about God wanting to use my ambitions, personality, and individuality, I still get sad when I realize that I am still controlling my life and I have no idea what to do.

I appologize if this post sounded whiney but I need to vent and figure no one could possibly still be reading this.

Toodle.

Internship Transpose

Apologies for those of you who read my blog with any regularity for the delay since my last posting. My only excuse is that I haven't had any thoughts I felt were especially worth sharing with others.

I visited California for a weekend last month and got to deliver a presentation about the trip to Afghanistan and someone asked me how I thought my life might have been altered as a result of this experience--mostly the trip, but I suppose the internship and time in Colorado might be eligible for topics of response. But it didn't matter either way. I was paralyzed, which reminds me of a catchy song with a hypnotic beat. I couldn't think of anything to say, and we eventually had to move on to another question. At the time, I thought the only way I could answer was to live out my life, travel back in time before this semester and relive my life without this experience, and travel once more back in time to this instance of temporal reality to answer the question in full depth and truth. Obviously, that hasn't happened yet. If it had, I probably would have realized the silliness in putting my thoughts on a public access forum for general consumption and given up on this blog before I ever posted to it.

Since that presentation, however, the question has haunted me, but not in a bad way. It springs to the forefront of my mind in an instant, and lingers just above the subconscious level at all times. While between 70% and 90% of my instantaneous mental processing capacity is spent on completing these projects, a good portion of the remainder is allocated to contemplating the implications of this time on the rest of time. My new, revised best answer is: Little to none. For dramatic effect, I will refrain from answering until the next paragraph, to begin very shortly.

I came to EMI as a servant. Before 2009, though not long before, I already decided I wanted to find out how to seek my creator with everything I have and all I am, and I understood that as I sought Him, He would give me back a mission while my body resides in this physical realm. At intern orientation, I roughly defined my life's purpose as: to love and honor God, and to bring glory to His name. I believe this statement includes an automatic secondary objective, established by the nature of God and our relationship to Him, of acting out His plan for redemption. Nominally, this means I, as I follow Christ, will be involved in all the things people think Christians think are rules and laws--helping people see the perfection of His kingdom and enter into it by mending the fallen physical world around us. My purpose was not to have a tremendous experience overseas--this is actually one of the many reasons I wanted to work in EMI's US office--or to see, first-hand, the pain and sorrow caused by war, poverty, and famine. I am well aware of the need for followers of Christ to live out their faith outside their quarentined, priviledged lives, and I am aware that I may very easily fall into patterns of behavior that would quickly transport me into an apathetic trance of comfort and pleasure. But this realization came before my internship. I started down a path, and the time I spent here in COS and overseas were little more than a short stretch on the path. Put simply, I came here to serve, I came and served, and now my services will be put to use elsewhere. I think God impacted the work I was able to do more than I did, and so the reactive impact did not fall harshly on my life.

So when I wonder what's different, I can't say a whole lot because my life was so radically changed throughout the couple of years prior to this moment. I continue to contemplate the nature of the universe and my place in it, and in doing so find my thoughts and attitudes perpetually in flux. Eventually, I hope I'll discover some truths that will bring my mind ease and put my hands to earnest work on a project I can be certain is absolutely God-inspired, and I'll keep changing up until, and perhaps even after that time. But the direct, perceptible effect this internship had on my life is, to my best knowledge, non-existent.

Something I've been struggling with is allowing my work to be compromised with alterior motivations. I firmly believe that redemptive work is best accomplished when it is not just God-inspired but also God-driven. I want the part of myself that calls itself "self" to be destroyed, replaced by the Holy Spirit whom I think is capable of accomplishing feats that do not require further redemption. God tells us he uses all things for good, but how much better if this does not have to be done even in the good we try to do. If we could stop trying to do things, and instead allow the Sprit to do its things through us, the work of the Church would be astonishingly efficient. I am not proposing we shut our minds down or abandon our God-given creativity, but just stop doing what we want to do and hope that it will all work out in the end. I want us to stop doing ministry because it is what is expected of us, or because it is profitable, or because it makes us feel good, or any other human reason. I want ministry to be the natural result of loving Him who allows us to live out our free wills but offers a better idea.

The problem with this thinking is that it makes me rather susceptible to inactivity. I am liable to spend inordinate amounts of time in deep thought trying to determine the degree of compromise involved with an action, and ruling against most, maybe all activities.

Okay, Watchmen was perhaps less than half-decent as a movie, but some of the concepts portrayed in the story have both validity and pertinence. In a short comic within the comic book, a ship's captain is shipwrecked and driven mad by thinking the pirates who destroyed his ship would then attack his home town. He manages to float home and finds it already under seige, though a couple manages to escape the garrison to enjoy the beach. The captain thinks their freedom is a sign they had joined the pirates and, in a fit of rage, kills them both. He sneaks into his house and, in the darkness, mistakes his family for the pirates. After suffocating his own wife, he realizes the pirates hadn't yet attacked. He is simultaneously struck by fear of punishment, terror at his own action, and sorrow for his loss. He runs to the lagoon, sees the pirate ship peacefully berthed several hundred meters offshore, and swims for it, undecided as to what he would do when he arrives. He reaches the vessel and accepts a rope offered from the monstrous figures aboard. He climbs up onto the deck to embrace his own inhumanity, exclaiming "how had I reached this appaling position with love, only love as my guide?"

My point is that I am afraid of allowing ministry and service to take the place of God's direction. I want to emphasize, in my own life, the importance that I seek Him and only Him, but allow Him to lead me through all this physical form does. I want to know whether that might mean that He would allow me to compromise my belief in the possibility of motivational purity to do some necessary work for redemption. I want to know if He has more confidence in the imperfect works of men than do I, whether perfection in following is something for which I should or even can aim.

Finally, I still have a little bit of debt with EMI and I don't have a job lined up quite yet--it seems so contradictory to my present condition even to be looking for a job, but rest assured, my quandry is to date limited to my mind and, now, the Internet--so if you feel led, or simply wish to shatter my paradigm, you may donate to the cause with which I am now, not later, affiliated at https://emisecure.org/donate.html. My identy, for the sake of this website, is best wrapped up in the designation "Rob Hansen 2741." I have a distaste for financial transactions or requests thereof, so I hope you enjoyed reading this paragraph more than I writing it.

I have an affinity for elaborations on my own thoughts and am quite certain I enjoyed writing this blog more than you reading it. I don't promise I'll update this after this internship, especially since I'll soon be diagnosed with Doesn't Have A Computer, but if I come up with anything I think having other people think about would be absolutely, without compromise, a good thing, I'll manage some sort of correspondence. Maybe I'll even change my mind about the necessity for absolute purity and will write something silly just because the Internet is a big place and few people will take note no matter how how loudly I type in ALL CAPS.

Love: Seek it. Have it. Let it take over you and exist in everthing you do. Strike that, just seek it as fully as you can and let it do whatever it will. But don't mistake it for feelings or vis-versa.

Internship Just Got Awesome Again

I love drafting probably more than I as a graduate in engineering should. It is very satisfying to be able to draw straight lines for miles and miles, or turn at razor-sharp 90-degree corners. But I didn't quit learning when I got my first CAD job for a reason, though I may forget this reason from time to time.

Last week, on the way to the meeting with the soon-to-be Afghan community center project manager, Scott asked me how my internship could get better for these last few weeks. It took a long time--I rarely think of how I can get something out of work, and I often consider pure CAD to be pure enjoyment--but I eventually decided it would be fun and professionally edifying for me to participate in whatever design I could, so I said I would like to do some of the water/wastewater design work. Today, I found out that's what I'm going to do. I think I mentioned in a previous entry that our civil engineer is a professor and is quite busy these days, so my intrusion into his designated tasks are actually welcome. And a quick break from 8-9 hours of AutoCAD per day is also welcome.

In the words of Ms. Saviz, my fluid mechanics and water resources professor, "Yay!"

Busy, Busy, Busy

Things continue to move at a breathtaking pace over here. Last Wednesday, my project leader and I met with the man who has stepped up to manage the community center in Mohmandara, and handle the partnership with the reconstruction forces. After our morning meeting, we got to work on polishing up our presentation materials and delivering them back to the ministry because at 3:00 the next morning (MDT), they presented their proposal to the PRT in Nangarhar for budget approval. Wednesday afternoon was thrillingly intense as I worked as quickly as I could to clean up some architectural drawings and renderings, and our PowerPoint presentation. After work, though thoroughly exhausted, I sighed deeply, satisfied by a good day's work.

Later that night I got to attend a small dessert reception for the project manager at a ministry board member's house a little north of Colorado Springs. I got to hear more about how the project came together, how God had been working in so many ways and so many places to bring this about. In fact, the president of the ministry and his staff marvelled at how no one in the organization had sought out this project--it is almost as though it spontaneously generated from pure need. The Mohman people independantly requested assistance from the missionaries. EMI independantly reformed its relationship with the ministry. The PRTs independantly saw the opportunity of a project of this type in our project location. A man independantly decided to retire from his job during a recession and start working for a non-profit missions organization. And all of these independant events miraculously coincided geo-temporally to bring these services to a rural village in Afghanistan.

Bokononism and Christianity are mutually exclusive, right?

Some of those present at the dessert, in sharing previous experiences, brought me to realize that God does not always put things on cruise-control for us. Oftentimes, if he gives us a message, we will have to pursue that calling as long as we can without confirmation or apparent intervention. As I came into this experience, I was actually anticipating this scenario, where I would hear God's direction and would have to work hard, fighting every conceivible obstacle to reach the destination. I was looking forward to proving my faith not to my Lord--he already knows my heart as he knew Abraham's--but to myself. I feared that if I didn't do something that would challenge myself, all that I've learned in the past couple of years would mysteriously vanish and I would find myself petty and irrelevant as I perceived myself to have been all along.

I think, as I near the end of this internship and desperately fight regressing into my former self, I'm beginning to realize that many of my notions of what it will mean to live fully devoted to my Savior were incomplete. It may not be as difficult as I was believing, as I was hoping, though I keep in mind that it very well may be everything I expected or even more.

Last Thursday, the Van and Nancy Switzer visited EMI and I was pleased to show them around the office. For me it was good to see a familiar face and hear a little from home, and I think they were impressed with EMI. Van is a non-practicing Civil Engineer and may be interested in participating in some trips sometime.

I'm still looking for something to do after May. Don't let my use of the word "still" make you think I'm complaining--I've only been looking for a couple of weeks and my confidence in God's plan is yet unshaken. My positive experience with the US Army in Afghanistan has opened a door that I previously ignored, a door which led to the Army Corps of Engineers. I always knew, somewhere in the back of my head, that they hire civilians as engineers and operate in some ways like any commercial firm, but always wrote them off for one reason or another, most recently my unwillingness to support any efforts that may induce or implement violence as means to a greater end. I still think there are creative solutions, often beyond the imaginations of mere mortal men, that can resolve any conflict without any damage to life or Earth, and I still think it would be nifty to be able to pursue those solutions. But for now, I need to do something, and I want it to be productive, and domestic USACE work vaguely fits both categories, perhaps better than most corporations to which I find myself applying. As long as I don't have to design a pipeline that transports mustard gas, agent orange, or petroleum, I think I'll be able to put up with a federal job for a time. If it comes to that.

If nothing else comes along, then Phil: can I live in your car(s?) for a little while? I might only need a place until my FE results come back. Also, I'll help you weld stuff onto your roofrack or whatever. Thanks.

What the What?

The Provincial Reconstruction Team (PRT) in charge of Nangarhar Province wherein our community center project is to be located just authorized full funding for both the construction of the entire site and three years of program. Obviously, this is an amazing, border-line miraculous turn of events. I came into EMI believing projects would take months to design and perhaps years to construct. I certainly didn't expect to see the fruits of my labors during my short stint here. I cannot fathom the number and complexity of the divine appointments involved in having this project move ahead so quickly. Furthermore, just about every PRT in Afghanistan is interested in the concept and will be watching our project, looking for future funding ventures.

The ministry and the PRT are now looking for someone to live in Afghanistan for between 6 and 12 months to oversee construction. I have minimal background in construction management--I took one class in college--but this seems like an awesome opportunity to continue the work God started ever so long ago, and I am seriously considering volunteering. I don't know the specifics of how the job would work, or what qualifications I should have, but at this point I am intimately familiar with the project and could certainly offer onsite design feedback. One thing I anticipate for whomever manages this project is that, as more and more groups become interested in and supporting of the community center concept, this job may extend into potential perpetuity as some people expect around 1000 centers to be built.

As this is the only opportunity that has been revealed to me so far, I would greatly appreciate any prayers on my behalf for guidance through this process. I previously stated I didn't feel called specifically back to Central Asia, and even if I find myself there for several more months or even years, I still don't think it is my final work.

Another thing: a fellow Pacific Christian Fellowship student contacted me yesterday to ask me about what I was doing with EMI and, more specifically, how I felt led into this ministry. He wants to apply some of the lessons the group is learning to real life by connecting with a kingdom worker with whom the students may relate. I am excited about getting other students to consider how they can give their lives back to God, and sharing my few experiences of how God has given me life back again more abundantly than before.

As I continue to assess my options for ministry after EMI, I fear I may need to find a paying job to fund this semester's and future expenses. Even more, I fear I will be blinded and deafened by financial constraints that I won't be able to hear God's calling, be that into another support-driven ministry or again into commercial engineering or something entirely different. I don't want money to drive my decisions, but accept that it may be a medium through which God speaks. It's complicated. I wanted it to be simple. Too bad I can't live off theology.

Toodles, friends!

Pictures from India

My fellow EMI intern in India, Harry, posted some pictures from my visit at his Flickr page:
Harry's Flickr
Check out the Kempty Falls and Touring Mussoorie albums. He also has some terrific albums showing off some of the beautiful sights around the office in which you may be interested.